"The Story"

On July 23rd, 2008 Mohammad Soleimankhani died. With his death I lost someone that was very dear to me, and one of the most significant people in my life. Whatever else we were, along the bumpy road over the years, Moh was a close friend.

I have started this blog so many times. Often I start writing, and find myself including nearly every detail. But the point isn’t to recount everything in the last decade. I want to write this to sort out my feelings and help me deal, but also to let others know where I am coming from. Very few people have ever really understood my relationship with Moh. Between the lies and the secrecy, much of it was kept away from “public view.” Some folks didn’t understand how I could continue to remain close to him after everything he did. Some of you reading this never met Moh and probably don’t understand my current devastation. Maybe I can finally explain so you will understand my everlasting connection to Mohammad Soleimankhani.

A few caveats… I love music, and I listen to it a lot to help me express what I’m feeling. I am going to use some songs that I listened to to help me deal with my feelings related to Moh. Second, I’m long-winded anyway, but this topic especially isn’t a short one! Read at your own discretion, but know you will understand me and what I’m going through much better after reading.

I met Moh my junior year of college. He remembered me first from a house dance for my sorority, but I don’t remember him from that night. I remember him from the 70s party at the house he was living in with a bunch of my guy friends. He was wearing a blond wig and wanted to pull a trick on one of his friends by telling him I was “late.” Since it was a one night stand, and something I regretted, I wasn’t so keen on the idea. I thought Moh was a bit strange and decided he wasn’t very experienced with women. I learned I was very wrong.

We made out a bit that first night. Since we hung out in the same group of friends, we saw each other often after that night. We ended up making out again after my sorority barn dance. I stayed the night with him, but wouldn’t sleep with him. He said it was ok and he would wait for me. I didn’t think I would ever be ready to sleep with him. I just wasn’t sure I could trust him or give him my heart. But we continued to see each other a lot in group settings that summer. One night after hanging out with our group all night, he told me he wanted to talk to me about something. After we got to my apartment, he asked me why I wouldn’t sleep with him the last time. I told him I really don’t sleep around, it just wasn’t my style. After talking for hours, that night I slept with Moh.

Again, the point isn’t to relay every detail, I have several journals worth of writing about everything that has happened with Moh, so I’ll try to stick to the highlights. After that first night, I learned Moh had a girlfriend and she was pregnant. He avoided me for awhile, which pissed me off, but when I finally saw him and saw how upset he was, I forgot about my feelings to take care of him.

You Do- Aimee Mann
“The sex you’re trading up for, what you hope is love
Is just another thing that, he’ll be careless of
But though there are caveats galore, You’ve only got to love him more--
And you do, You really do
Even when its all too clear
You write a little note that, You leave on the bed
And spend some time dissecting every word he said
And if he seemed a little strange, Well, baby--anyone can change
And you do, You do, You really do”

We were just friends for awhile, making out or sleeping next to each other on occasion, but not having sex. Then I moved into the apartment over Moh and J. Maybe it was the convenience factor or whatever, but we began sleeping together more. Our friends warned me he wasn’t good for me, but I didn’t listen. Instead, I just followed Moh's lead and kept quiet about what was going on between us. I wanted to be there for him. I cared about him and I was becoming more attached. I thought if I could just show him love, unconditional love, I could get into his heart.

Fix You- Coldplay
"And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones, And I will try to fix you,
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth"

Moh told me pretty early on he was feeling suicidal. I saw how conflicted he was over R’s pregnancy. I wanted to just hold him and make his pain go away. So that is what I did, so many nights. To most people, he was the life of the party, but I saw when he was broken and fragile. I wanted to do anything to protect him. To care for him. To love him. To fix him.

I spent so much time worrying about him; I didn’t take care of myself. When R was pregnant and he was upset, I couldn’t tell him how he hurt me. Anytime he hurt me, I just kept it to myself or wrote it in my journal. I guess his feelings were more important to me than my own. But that wasn’t his fault, I made that choice.

I Try- Macy Gray
“Here is my confession May I be your possession Boy I need your touch Your love kisses and such With all my might I try But this I can’t deny I play it off but I’m dreamin’ of you I’ll keep my cool but I’m findin’ I try to say goodbye and I choke I try to walk away and I stumble Though I try to hide it it’s clear My world crumbles when you are not near”

It was all too easy to be together. We would already be hanging out at the same place, and just go home together. Or sometimes we just got home at the same time. Moh would ask to come up to my apartment to stay the night, or invite me to his. I could never say no. I knew I should. I wrote in my journal over and over that I was going to stop, but I couldn’t do it.

Moh made it clear what we were doing was just for fun. He even once told me he wouldn’t kiss me anymore because it was too intimate. As if sex isn’t! I told him I was ok with what we were doing, but I wasn’t. I never told him I wanted more because I knew that would kill the dream I had of us becoming something more. I never even admit to myself that was what I wanted. I tried to pretend everything was ok.

Self Esteem- The Offspring
"We make plans go out at night I wait till 2 then I turn out the light
this rejection's got me so low If she keeps it up I just might tell her so
When she's saying, oh that she wants only me Then I wonder why she sleeps with my friends When she saying, oh that I'm like a disease Then I wonder how much more I can stand
Well I guess, I should stick up for myself But I really think it's better this way
The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care Right? Yeah!"

I really did think if I was there for him, no matter what- even if he treated me poorly, he would realize how much I cared and that I would always be there for him. So I just kept putting up with it all, and tried to be the best friend I could to him. Of course, sleeping with him was making things complicated. Especially since most of our friends didn’t know we were still sleeping together.

I started to get worried Moh was trying to get with our friend M. I suspected he was involved with other women, but I couldn’t handle it in front of my face. A group of us (Moh, K, M, and I) all went to my home in Bend for the weekend. Moh and I slept together the first night, and it was the only time I’ve had sex in my family home. The next night he slept on the couch. I didn’t like that because every time we stayed at my house in Bend, we have slept next to each other. It felt lonely without him, but he said he wanted to get up early to go snowboarding. In the morning, he wasn’t on the couch and I was pissed to find he was in M’s room. He swore nothing happened then, but on the drive home from Bend, he did have sex with M. That Monday I learned the whole story. Moh had sex with 5 women that weekend, and was very proud of that. Turned out he never broke-up with R like he told us all, and there were a few co-workers in the mix as well. Learning all that should have pushed me over the edge. It should have finally pushed me away. He wanted to push me away anyway, right? He told me he couldn’t handle hurting me or his mother, so we should just cut ties with him so he wouldn’t hurt us any longer. Maybe I would have walked away, but Moh always knew what to say to keep me there. He was talking about R and M and not saying nice things, so I asked him what he said about me when I’m not around. He said, “Honestly Kat, don’t take this the wrong way or take offense, but if I was going to settle down with someone, it would be you. You’re my favorite.” Talk about giving a girl hope…

That weekend actually ended up having an opposite effect. We grew closer. He was finally being honest with me. About EVERYTHING. Sometimes it was difficult to hear, but I preferred the truth to the lies. I should have stopped sleeping with him… but I didn’t. I still couldn’t seem to say no to him, no matter what it was doing to me emotionally.

My attachement grew more than died away. He let me into his life more, shared more with me. I felt I was finally, truly in his heart. I remember one night we were at Suds and he was so drunk. I was trying to take care of him, but he disappeared. The kids at Woodstocks told me they took him home. I ran the whole way back to our apartment building to check on him. I found him upstairs outside my door, he was looking for me. How could I not wrap my arms around him and hold him?

Ice- Sarah McLachlan
"I think you worried for me then
The subtle ways that I'd give in but I know
You liked the show
Tied down to this bed of shame
You tried to move around the pain but oh
Your soul is anchored
The only comfort is the moving of the river
You enter into me, a lie upon your lips
Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get
Only a fool's here to stay."

Moh was also more honest about how he didn’t respect women for their sexual behaviors. He was so conflicted about his deeds and how they were wrong. He hated himself for what he was doing, so he lost respect for those involved in his escapades too. People like me.

Moh’s friend N came up for a visit. I had heard of N and knew he was like a brother to Moh, so I was overwhelmed when Moh wanted me to meet him. That night Moh poured his heart out to N and berated himself for his behaviors. He told the story about 5 women and one weekend, but this time the pride became remorse. He was ashamed of how he was treating all of us. He made a point of saying he was hurting me and he didn’t like what he was doing. N said he would make different choices when he wanted to, and he couldn’t beat himself up for what he was doing. N also said I made a choice to be there, and I knew what was going on. I pointed out I didn’t always know the truth, but Moh reminded me I knew now and I had sex with him just that day. He was right. So was N. Moh went inside and N and I talked for a long time about Moh’s choices and my choice to participate. I was so grateful for that night and for my talk with N because he was so right that it was all my choice. I couldn’t be mad at Moh, I let him treat me the way he did. It is a lesson I’m still learning and struggling with, and I often reflect on that conversation.

The thing was, I was so attached. I cared so much. When he was kind and generous, he was amazing! I couldn't stand to be away from that, away from his light. And he would cry in my arms, and my heart would break for him. I wanted him to have peace and love in his life. I wanted to give him my heart, but I knew he wouldn't give me his. So, I took what I could get. Anything he offered me, any small crumb, I lived off of that.

By this point, I was done with college and it was time to graduate. Four people came to my graduation for me… My mom, my dad, my stepmom, and Moh. He was so proud. My family loved him. He was so kind and caring that day. It is one of my fondest memories.

Post-college to come…