"Without You"

"Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you."

It has been over two months since Moh died. I still feel numb and detached from my life. Don't get me wrong, unlike the lyrics I began this post with, I'm not dying without him... but I'm not really living either. I feel so broken, and I'm a shell of my normal self. Everything good and bad in my life seems tainted with the pain of losing him. Yet, the world goes on.

Every night I beg to have another dream about him. To be able to touch him and hold him again, even if it is only in a dream. But that dream hasn't come again. I've dreamt about his death or talking to people about him, but not him. Last night I dreamt I was getting close to a guy, and he wanted to date me, but I didn't feel ready. He didn't understand, so I had to explain about Moh to him. In my dream I really tried to give my heart to this man, but my heart was such a mess I couldn't make it work.

I know Moh would be mad at me for this. I know he wants me to go on with my life. I'm trying, but there is just so much pain I don't know how to deal with.

Today I went to see "Rent" filmed on Broadway in the movie theater. I've been listening to Rent a lot lately, I can relate to the grief of "I'll Cover You (reprise)" and "Goodbye Love" and I am seeking out music and people that seem to connect to and understand what I'm feeling. I knew watching "Rent" would make me cry, but that isn't anything new for the last couple of months. I've gotten used to the tears I guess.

I have some really good things happening in my life, and I'm trying to find peace and enjoy my life. I just have so much to work out in my head and my heart. But I know life is short, and I need to focus on my life and what is happening right now. I will never "get over" losing Moh, but I need to work to carry his memory with me in my heart while continuing to live my life to the fullest. It is what he would want.

"The Heart May Freeze Or It Can Burn
The Pain Will Ease If I Can Learn
There Is No Future
There Is No Past
I Live This Moment
As My Last
There's Only Us
There's Only This
Forget Regret
Or Life Is Yours To Miss
No Other Road
No Other Way
No Day But Today"